Benjamin Monroe / Montgomery
My wife Millie and I have been driving our
1979 Mercury Monarch for 23 glorious years now. It zooms like the wind. One
time a long white Lincoln LTD pulled up to us at a stop sign, just down the
street from the Angry Angus Steakhouse, where Millie and I had just dined on a
heapin' pile of tenderloin tips. Anyhow, the driver of that LTD looked to be
80 or so, certainly older than Millie and I. Well, wouldn't ya know, he revved
his engine a little as he looked over and winked at my Millie. You can imagine
my anger. "Hey, pops," I shouted "this little philly is all mine!"
Unfortunately I didn't realize that Millie's window was up so the old codger
next to us never heard a word of my impassioned vitriol. "Millie," I said,
"roll down your winder. I wanna give that old coot a piece of my mind!"
Millie, being a peaceful sort (she once attended a Vietnam anti-war
demonstration with a bunch of whacked out hippies. When she came home that
night, her eyes were all red and chinky and I thought for a minute that I'd
lost her forever. For the next 2 months, it was nothing but Bob Dylan this and
Martin Luther King that. Finally, thank heavens, she remembered the simple
lilting beauty of Andy Williams and Les Brown and we've been like a couple of
peas in a pod ever since.) Anyhow, Millie, being a peaceful sort, she says,
"No, I certainly will not roll down the window. You and your temper will land
us both in the brink." I kinda laughed at that because I can get a little
ornery now and again. Once I ordered pancakes at Denny's and this dang full
waitress brought me the French toast. I said in no uncertain terms to her,
"Now listen here my darling little wretch, I ordered the pancakes and I insist
you remove this French Toast and bring me my pancakes this instant!" Well, you
can imagine the poor lass cowering before my wraith, but I still believe to
this day that that young hottie got exactly the tongue lashing she deserved.
So meanwhile I'm listening to this old corpse in the LTD next to Millie rev
his engine, like he wanted to drag or something. So I says, "Millie, hold on
to your seat. We're goin' for a ride!" And just then the light turned green
and old Grizzly Adams over there jumped on the gas. Well, I done likewise and
you never felt such power as that old Mercury Monarch summoned that
evening. In a few seconds, that needle was climbing up near 40, at which point
Millie shrieks, "Slow down! You're gonna get us both killed!" But it was too
late. I felt the devil rising in my soul and I seen that old skeleton bones
over there wasn't about to back down for a minute. So I says, "Millie, you
just mind your business" and, to her eternal credit, that's just what she
proceeded to do. About now, I'm toppin' out at around 55 and Father Death is
nosin' out ahead of my vehicle. I said, "Millie, I'm gonna bash that LTD or my
name ain't Benjamin Monroe." Said it just like that so there weren't no room
for argument, though Millie did kinda wimper like a little puppy once or
twice. So I had my mind set on bashing that withered, brain-dead old husk of a
man when just then I seen an Asian girl stepping out at the next corner and
she was pushin' a baby carriage and I could only imagine there was a nothin'
but an innocent little baby in there so, quick as a red-bellied woodpecker, I
stomped on my brakes and I seen Nostradamus over there do the same thing.
Well, wouldn't ya know that little brush with disaster brought us all a little
closer together. Me and that burnt out old corncob exchanged smiles and I
think he knowed right then that in another minute or so he woulda been eatin'
my dust. And he would've had a big dent in his LTD to boot. But he probably
didn't know that second part. Well, today Millie and I are just fine and since
you're in to muscle cars and all, I just thought I'd share a yarn with ya. By
the way, I don't see any Monarchs on your sight. Maybe they's just a little
too fast for ya, eh boy? Ha Ha! Well, I don't blame ya for being scared. We've
all had our days, mercy yes. Best of luck to you, young man, and may all your
muscle car fantasies come true. I know mine have.
In the hotrod spirit,
Benjamin Monroe, esq.