Best friend Dave Pullizzi uncorks a hilarious short story!

My wife Millie and I have been driving our 1979 Mercury Monarch for 23 glorious years now. It zooms like the wind. One time a long white Lincoln LTD pulled up to us at a stop sign, just down the street from the Angry Angus Steakhouse, where Millie and I had just dined on a heapin' pile of tenderloin tips. Anyhow, the driver of that LTD looked to be 80 or so, certainly older than Millie and I. Well, wouldn't ya know, he revved his engine a little as he looked over and winked at my Millie. You can imagine my anger. "Hey, pops," I shouted "this little philly is all mine!" Unfortunately I didn't realize that Millie's window was up so the old codger next to us never heard a word of my impassioned vitriol. "Millie," I said, "roll down your winder. I wanna give that old coot a piece of my mind!" Millie, being a peaceful sort (she once attended a Vietnam anti-war demonstration with a bunch of whacked out hippies. When she came home that night, her eyes were all red and chinky and I thought for a minute that I'd lost her forever. For the next 2 months, it was nothing but Bob Dylan this and Martin Luther King that. Finally, thank heavens, she remembered the simple lilting beauty of Andy Williams and Les Brown and we've been like a couple of peas in a pod ever since.) Anyhow, Millie, being a peaceful sort, she says, "No, I certainly will not roll down the window. You and your temper will land us both in the brink." I kinda laughed at that because I can get a little ornery now and again. Once I ordered pancakes at Denny's and this dang full waitress brought me the French toast. I said in no uncertain terms to her, "Now listen here my darling little wretch, I ordered the pancakes and I insist you remove this French Toast and bring me my pancakes this instant!" Well, you can imagine the poor lass cowering before my wraith, but I still believe to this day that that young hottie got exactly the tongue lashing she deserved. So meanwhile I'm listening to this old corpse in the LTD next to Millie rev his engine, like he wanted to drag or something. So I says, "Millie, hold on to your seat. We're goin' for a ride!" And just then the light turned green and old Grizzly Adams over there jumped on the gas. Well, I done likewise and you never felt such power as that old Mercury Monarch summoned that evening. In a few seconds, that needle was climbing up near 40, at which point Millie shrieks, "Slow down! You're gonna get us both killed!" But it was too late. I felt the devil rising in my soul and I seen that old skeleton bones over there wasn't about to back down for a minute. So I says, "Millie, you just mind your business" and, to her eternal credit, that's just what she proceeded to do. About now, I'm toppin' out at around 55 and Father Death is nosin' out ahead of my vehicle. I said, "Millie, I'm gonna bash that LTD or my name ain't Benjamin Monroe." Said it just like that so there weren't no room for argument, though Millie did kinda wimper like a little puppy once or twice. So I had my mind set on bashing that withered, brain-dead old husk of a man when just then I seen an Asian girl stepping out at the next corner and she was pushin' a baby carriage and I could only imagine there was a nothin' but an innocent little baby in there so, quick as a red-bellied woodpecker, I stomped on my brakes and I seen Nostradamus over there do the same thing. Well, wouldn't ya know that little brush with disaster brought us all a little closer together. Me and that burnt out old corncob exchanged smiles and I think he knowed right then that in another minute or so he woulda been eatin' my dust. And he would've had a big dent in his LTD to boot. But he probably didn't know that second part. Well, today Millie and I are just fine and since you're in to muscle cars and all, I just thought I'd share a yarn with ya. By the way, I don't see any Monarchs on your sight. Maybe they's just a little too fast for ya, eh boy? Ha Ha! Well, I don't blame ya for being scared. We've all had our days, mercy yes. Best of luck to you, young man, and may all your muscle car fantasies come true. I know mine have.